i’ve got a new page! i wish i could design my own so bad. the thing is i have no skill with computer things like this. If i could, it would be one giant doodle from one of my notebooks. just thought i’d share that i guess. I think it would be sweet if i could draw all over the screen of my computer and then melt into the webpage. what if computers worked that way? i’d be a computer genius. I’d have all these crazy drawings of degas’ ballerinas surrounded by lillies and shit, I’m such a artsy fartsy fart. (by the way, I saw the new indianna jones movie, and the scene with all of the archeological finds, I know over half of those from my art history class. That’s how much of an art freak i am.)
So I’m feeling extra-rejuvinated after this here retreat. Seriously. I taught. Usually when I teach, I’m like: “Um, Jesus, um, loves you, um, i think, um, maybe, um, yes, um, i think you’ve, um, got it by, um, now.”
Super bad, right? This time I was feeling waaaay better and actually articulate. Articulate AND expressive. I don’t know if you understand how torturous it is for me to try at these talking things. I’m like, socially retarded most of the time, I can’t teach. Which relates to my teaching. I AM bad at teaching, but God’s pretty good. He was totally speaking, that wasn’t me. I don’t talk that nicely. My whole teaching process was an amazing thing for me to go through, let me run by how it went down:
I find out on wednesday, whatever, cool, enough time to teach by sunday. I find out my topic on Thursday, cool, sweet, whatever. I meet with Anele and Dad to go through our outlines on Friday. Uh Oh. We’re not so cool. My whole teaching is about being convicted through realizing your need for God. I am NOT feeling so convicted. I am feeling stupid. As this whole process goes on, I feel worse and worse. I feel like I’m not connecting, I’m not even excited. I keep praying to get convicted or something. This agony goes on and on. I’m preparing in all of my spare time, and it’s not even fun or anything. I keep trying to think that I know what I’m doing, but I don’t even seem to be understanding what Im’ reading from this Stedman guy and the Browning dude. It’s Saturday, we work until CT. I still feel like poopy. It’s Sunday, I’ve done like 3 drafts of my teaching, we’re going through and practicing with dad. He’s like, you guys really need to change all this stuff. I don’t even finish by the time we’re supposed to leave for this retreat. WAAHHH!! NOT PREPARED! I skip swimming so that I can practice with Anele and Nicole. It was Ok, after that, I was just praying my ass off. I finally get what’s going on. It’s right smack in my teaching. I NEED GOD. I can’t do anything! I don’t know anything! (This is a big one for me, because, I like, know everything.) It’s God’s Word, not mine. My teaching was supposed to help convist myself and the audience. I can’t convict the audience with my super-wisdom or something. It’s all God.
Jesus died and rose again, just like in Acts 2 (The passage I was teaching from). He is God, he is here! We need Him! He’s not just some old savior from 2,000 years ago who somehow hears our foggy prayers over some passage of time, He’s NOW. Everyone needs to realize this now and keep realizing this. We’re stupid sinner people, we forget.
I taught after the break from Kyle and Mike. I felt so excited and on fire! I looked out at my sleepy audience, and didn’t care that they were sleepy. Afterwards in the parking lot, Bryan and Joe said that I have some kind of “Spirit Accent” when I teach in the spirit. I don’t know what they’re talking about, but I felt really free, like I didn’t have to worry. Keith was pretty encouraging afterwards too. I don’t think I’m much of a teacher, which is why I feel so excited about this. It’s not that I suddenly developed this special teaching skill, it was totally the Holy Spirit.
The rest of the night was pretty spirit-filled. Anele taught on devotion, Bryan on the Body, Joel (surprise!!!) on FEPA or FEBA or something, and Keith on how we should try to gain the kind of body life the early church dudes had. Shelly and Becky were feeling the spirit. People were having fun.
Then we went to the 24-hour walmart (Or leah’s wally-world) and hung out there until 2 or so. Us girls watched ‘Clueless’, and giggled. I don’t know what the guys did, probably not sleep. Or whatever it is they do.
I had a lot of fun, And there was some spiritual sweetness too. I just really pray that we become like the Body in Acts 2. They were on some fellowship highs.
I feel stupid writing about myself on this thing. Do people really want to read this? I like joe’s blogs, but I always forget the sweet thoughts like that. What do you even write about anyway?
I’m in high school. (I don’t know if you could tell through the obvious extreme maturity level. I’m legit though, my English teacher wrote that i was super-mature on the teach recommendation for post-sec. legit, too legit to quit. HOT ROD IS HARD CORE) I digress. ANYWAY, I’m going to be a senior next year, and I’m applying for post-secondary. (Which i need to get in like, two weeks ago). So everybody and their mother’s like: “What’s your major going to be, what are you going to do?” At first my future was clear: I was going to be the best art teacher this side of the Mississippi. Then I talked to this student teacher for a long time and she was like: yeah, there are no jobs for that up north you could go to South Carolina! (I was like…right…no.) Then I wanted to do something medical because I like all that bodily disease anatomy stuff. AND I wanted a job that would help people.
I found out that I don’t think I want to be a doctor, because being one is your life, and ministry is my life. They didn’t exactly match up. Then this girl at work was like “I’m totally quitting to become a nurse after I graduate.” So she told me about how it’s a good job because you’ll always have one, you get paid well if you get a degree, and you only have to come in for 3 days a week. Anele wants to be a nurse as well. I was thinking about it, and I think I could do that. I don’t even know if I want to do art anymore. I love it and can continue, but i don’t know about a career in that.
I think through these things a lot, and I know I don’t have to have a major yet or whatever, but I seriously want to start considering the options. I read Joe’s blog about his job. I think I am going along kind of the same lines. I want a cool job, but I would rather have one that pays the bills while I focus on ministry. When I talk to some of my nerdy, ambitious friends about this stuff I can here them thinking “wow she’s stupid, she’s smart enough to get a real career, why doesn’t she care about advancing like that?” I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just want to trust the Lord with this. I usually like to try to control these kinds of things, but I really want to be able to trust Him. I guess my future’s in His hands.
Today was cell group, and I had my hopes up. Usually I get a little depressed around cell group time because it’s mostly Becky and I who come. WTF. I know we rock hard, but we need some others to rock with. This time it was sweet because Lindsey and Destiny came as well as the orig rockers. Leah joined our cell recently so that’s exciting. Anyway I had a great time. I was encouraged because Lindsey was asking a lot of questions and said she had a good time. I’m glad. We need some sanguine action in the phleg-oooo0-rama we have going on in there. (The cell group consisted of Di, Backy, and I before Leah came in.—excluding outreach) It’s like phlegrola granola. I think phlegmatic is a great word to toy with. However you say it, it’s goofy. Whatever.
So we all had fun and Destiny and I bonded and it was sweet. But I need to step it up. Dar met with Anele and I. We talked about how we’re tribal sissies who have to love up a bunch of infantile tramps. (I’m totally not calling people tramps like slut-ho’s or whatever, this is love ethics serious fo real terminology. I’m sure the relational christian scholar has become familiar with this hard-to-handle vocabulary. Just clearing it up for those who are just breaking into the realm of serious love relationships. Holy — this is a long paranthesis…) So I guess loving isn’t always being nice and doing what people want so there’s no confrontation. You like, have to actually discipline them or something. Yeah, really, I was just being dumb. I seriously struggle in that area. I am such a phleggy, non-confrontational, enabler. I need to get some serious conviction/ motivation to love these girls by getting them to serve, and convicting/ motivating them to serve the Lord and want to grow in their relationships with Him. I’m actually kind of teaching on that for this up and coming cell group retreat. I am teaching about the spiritual awakening of the early church in Acts. The Holy Spirit went in there and shook everything up. It wa sweet. You’re going to have to come and see. Except for those of you who aren’t in Word. Too bad. I don’t even want you to come. JK GUYS. JK, no, but seriously.
I’m not tired. I do not want to sleep. I need to though because my dada is taking me out to breakfast tomorrow morning before school. i love these breakfasts. I get to hang out with my dad and talk to him about what’s going on in his life and mine.
I’m excited. I need to be excited. I need to get convicted about the Lord.
So in Chemistry class we do labs and boring stuff. But labs are better. We get into Lab groups and the teacher appoints a leader for each group by saying stuff like: “Whoever has the birthday that’s closest to Christmas is the leader of the group.” This is all very creative and all, but this wonderful little technique always lands me the lab-ruler position or whatever it is. I’ve gotten all 7-8 times. I remember there was a crazy one like “whoever has a dog with the name that starts with the letter closest to the letter J”. Where did my exquisite teacher get that one? Of course I got the position, because as most of you know, my late dog’s name was ‘junior’. Today’s happened to be “Whoever’s Middle name ends in the letter closest to ‘A’.” Guess what my middle name is: Kristina. So I’m lab leader yet again. I didn’t really want to be, because this one girl in my group looked really excited about maybe being a lab leader, but her middle name is mary. How’re you going to get anywhere with a middle name of mary? Whatever, I don’t even think this little thing is blogworthy, but I thought it was funny, and I don’t want to do homework. What’s new.
Hey everybody, I have a blog. (AND I’m going to write in it!). I don’t know if you guys know this, but I suck at talking and writing. People tell me I’m on drugs or something. I don’t know where they get that from. Whatever.
So I went to school today really worried because I woke up late and didn’t have time to shower (this may be TMI, but it really helps describe my mindset for the schoolday. sorry for grossing you out.) All I could think about first period was how my hair must look greasy through everyone’s science goggles. We were doing this calcium experiment, and I was group leader- again. We were lighting this calcium-water gas on fire, but all it did was fizz out or something more scientific. I don’t know, but anyway I started this day very anxious. Like I do many other days. Speaking of anxious, I had this orthodontist appointment right after school. (MY FAULT: I broke the stupid retainer by biting into Easter chocolate. WTF! J. Jeffrey Arnold told me that thing was permanent! I wasn’t biting into like a brick wall or anything.) So I am in the car with my mother riding out to lyndhurst, we get through the ortho appointment, and everything’s ok. I kind of like these annoying excursions because they may be frustrating, but I really get to have some good, quality talking time with my mom. We don’t talk that much because we’re supa busy all the time, and we’re like relationally retarded. Anyway, I was enjoying talking to her on the way back because she said something to me that made me feel very loved and encouraged…
We were talking about word and Elli and Dad and life and stuff, and one of this stuff was pretty cool to me. She asked me about how my friends are or something, and I was talking to her about Destiny, Christine, and Shijia. After talking about how messed up Destiny’s family is, how unrelational and turbo-tribal Shijia and Christine are, mom told me that it was really amazing how many people I’ve built into. She was talking about what a different person I am relationally from around this time last year. Missy and Sam had left, and I was pretty depressed and bitter and stuff. I wasn’t really building into other relationships, but now I have those people I listed before AND BECKY. WHO’S AWESOME! I was reflecting on that in writing this blog, and I definitely am feeling really grateful for all these people. AND DI- LIKE HUGAMUNGO GRATEFUL FOR HER!!!! It was definitely encouraging because I want to keep this up and build more into these people and hopefully Christine and Destiny will get saved through me. I feel so loved by this. i’m also excited for relationships because the tribal chics leaders meeting really made me encouraged and pumped to try to get some victories. I need to go eat dinner, but I want to write more about gratefulness and relationships. Blog-out.