This is going to be short, I have 20 minutes left in class.
I have been experiencing a lot lately. I thought, at first some of it was bad, then it was good then bad, now I’m pretty sure it is a good change but I will never know.
One change is basically my whole personality. I have forever been the melancholy stuck in a ditch with no friends all alone. Until this year.
Now, I am either the melancholy in a ditch (not as severe) or as happy as a sunny day. And trust me, it is entirely new. It may have been the first years of high school, myself taking it 10x harder than necessary. I remember praying that I would become more able to function without being crazy and to be, well, happy. Of course I was happy. I had spurts of happy and I had no reason to hate… but it was never long term.
But this year, man have things changed. I thought, at first, it was something with my body and growing up.. you know teen hormones and shit, but then it stayed. I wasn’t entirely oblivious to the reason, though it didnt hit me that this change could be spiritual & relate to my walk.
I have been learning a lot about walking with God this year. In the fall, I was extremely down. Excited about a new year but when I failed with much outreached and was rejected over and over, I felt completely and absolutely useless… hopeless.
Carrie & I were reading over Walking in Victory then…or just finished… im not sure. Of course, I skimmed the pages, got something out of every chapter but I did not uinderstand this idea of having an identity in God or a significance at all. I had completely convinced myself as a bored high schooler that i was smaller than a sea horse in the big ocean which is.. everyone.
I would express my feelings and my mom would pray for me, this “breaking” i was going through. At first, I was bitter at these words. I was bitter at everything, questioning why me?!? Why do I have to suffer these feelings… no one understands me.
To cut a couple months, a lot of tears and even more regrets out of the time line: I was wrong.
After we read some of Walking in Victory, we started going through the love ethics articles. As we read, my mind had to grasp these totally abstract concepts that I had never heard of before, growing up in a christian home i was very surprised by this. But one thing remained the same, since one of the first sit downs with Carrie, she always brought gratitude to my attention. Encouraging me to have a gratitude journal or think of things I am grateful daily or try to show someone I appreciate them, serve them.
My mom also took many tries at making us appreciate what we have. Whenever I pushed and yelled, she would send me to my room to write down ten things I am thankful for. I specifically remember hiding in a corner for a long time with piece of paper numbered down to ten. When I heard her coming up the stairs, i wrote something like NOT MY MOM on the paper in big purple letters… I hate those kind of memories.
I still have many emotions but they aren’t evil anymore. I can be down but I have an extreme on the other end of the spectrum. And it lasts. My sister said to me yesterday that she sees more sanguine in me than phleg. This wasn’t a huge surprise to me, I expected a change over the past couple of months that I didn’t know what it was. I have been mel/phleg but now, i think i am leaning towards mel/sanguine… Maybe not completely, but I’m so happy.
Over Florida confirmed my happiness. I had doubts the beginning of the vacation that it wouldnt be as great. then, something that never happened before happened: a voice in my head told me to shove it, I’m here, aren’t I? Enjoy it!
I think my prayers are getting anwered… it is intense.
I am so grateful because I have a lasting significance. I think I may have said this before but I want people to understand the meaning behind those words. Being me, I dont know what I think and I dont know which way is up and down. I drive myself crazy and always end up being the victim. But, when I hear the truth THE TRUTH, it brings me to reality. God’s word pulls me back showing me where I am and what I am to him. I know I am still this fucked up person in this dirty place but I also know how God sees me. How I am his child and how he waits for me to join him in heaven… how amazing is that?
I thought this change was bad at first because I wasn’t feeling all the feelings i usually felt. At first, I had no motivation to write and I was still sucking with outreach… But, i think this is a step I had to take to understand walking with God. It is no longer so… black and white to me. I appreciated the classic beauty… but, now it is colorful. Vibrant and such a beauty I want to stare at it all day but also wan to go out and share it.
But, it has happened so fast that I don’t know if I should be saying it has happened yet.
I hope that everyone learns apart of where they stand with God. It is a deep connection of love and grace that I cannot begin to put into words, even with how little I know. It has inspired me to read the Bible instead of Harry Potter, cry for joy rather than self pity and love people, even the annoying ones, rather than spending time alone.
I have to thank my friends for this change. They have been very patient with my crazy personality and their personalities have definitely shown me what it is like to be happy instead of sad the whole time.
I have to thank my carrie for relentlessly taking my bull and dealing with my thoughts and slowness with such care I didn’t know could come from such a choleric.
I have to forever thank my parents for loving me and how I am. What more can I say other than I love you.
I don’t deserve a body of Christ like this. I like to call them family… You guys look after me so much & Are super inspiring.
I thank my sister for being my best friend and sharing her struggles with me so I can learn with her. And for letting me cry on her shoulder when I needed her. and all the word vomit.
And of course I am entirely beyond words with how I feel about God, my father. I would be nowhere without you, Lord.