I’ve hated my head for many reasons over the years; for what goes on in it and what’s on the outside of it. But here I am, hating it even more for just what it is: a head. Full of pain.
For the past few months now, I’ve been having a lot of pain. It’s really a let-down when you hear the cause so I’ll just say it now: “complex migraine.” Yep. A migraine. Well, it’s not just any old migraine, it’s complex, ya see, just like everything else about me. (HAHA.) I’ve had migraines since high school. The usual – painful, sensitive to light/sound, throbbing, pressure, eye-watering pain… I wish those were the days now. So, this year, I kept getting them – again, then again, then again. Worse & worse & worse. Till one day, it was so bad and so long and so different, I went to the ER. I thought I was having a stroke. My left side went numb, I lost vision in my left eye, words weren’t forming, I was having trouble breathing, and I had such pain everywhere. And the world was spinning around me like I was on a roller coaster. So, to the ER we went for them to tell me nothing.
Weeks go by, and I get into a neurologist. (After my doctor also had no answers.) Even in the waiting room for the neurologist, my hands went numb. But at this point in life, it was a daily thing. My hands went numb and the room spun and my head pounded within itself all day and all night. In the room, he told me about complex migraines. Sounded right. But then, I have some previous health stuff that made it a concern, worried him that one of mine may get “stuck” so that I may have a stroke… So I got on some seizure medication. And that was stupid. I experienced spinning in a whole new way! I couldn’t drive, I was drowsy, a side effect is literally: inability to concentrate. Another one is: panic attacks. But my migraines went away… for two weeks. Only to come back full force while I was teaching my Bible study. So I stopped, sat down, and tried to stop from crying. My lips weren’t forming words. It lasted three days. Sleeping didn’t help… I had my first panic attack and my body was really cold for a really long time. And then I had another one two days later.
So, I have a stuck migraine that could lead to a stroke. What does it mean? When the pain is the hardest and my chest isn’t cooperating, then I think: this could be my last day here. And that’s scary to me. And so sad. Much more sad than I thought I’d be…
So, that’s the purpose of this blog. To confess: if I died tonight, I wouldn’t be OK with it. At all. I wrote a blog a while ago (last time I almost died) about how I WOULD be OK with that. And I would have – back then. Today, life is different. Today, I have much more invested in life. I have a life with my husband and my house. I couldn’t imagine leaving him. I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends. I couldn’t imagine leaving my family. So, I am just NOT OK with dying. God, did you hear that? He knows. And it’s terrifying. It’s challenging my view of God because now I think: will he smite me for controlling this? Since I don’t have enough faith as I thought, will he just take me out for trying to be in control? Why would be trust his work to a fearful, present-life clinging girl?
I’ve invested my life in this life. Is that so wrong? I think, as much as it pains me to say: it is. Oh yes, it is. My favorite verse that I even have tattooed on me, for Christ’s sake, refers to the hope that we have that IS NOT in this life at all! (Romans 5:5) It’s in the life to come. The “celestial city”. The life when I’m no longer flawed Elli, but completed Elli, standing next to my Father, between him and my Jesus, grasping at them, kissing their hands, as they stroke my head, assuring me that finally I can rest and everything is OK, and that peace is here with them. I’m sure laughing at all the stupid things I’ve told them over the years & asked for. Asking all the questions weighing on my heart. And hopefully, oh I hope, hearing the words, “Well done, my good & faithful servant.” That’s where I should be placing my hope. And I’m such a shallow, feelings led, limited thinker that I can’t see past the tragedy. I can’t see that no matter what, Zak will be OK without me – since Jesus will take care of him in my absence. So will my family and my friends. And I’ll get to watch them finish the fight without me, but greet them all with open arms when they are done. It’ll be so cool. Because I’ll get to live with them forever, not just now.
I always say – we get to take people to heaven, that’s it. But now, I’m kind of forced to face that for what it is: do you really believe you’ll be spending eternity with these people? Then why not be able to give them up now? Because they’re not yours. And your life isn’t yours. And God has so much for you – in heaven when you get there, whenever you get there. Just trust him.
Maybe it’s now. Maybe it’s in years. Just trust your Father who has come through on everything for you. He just wants you to trust him.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to die tomorrow BUT sometimes I feel like it. The pain hurts and slipping in and out of consciousness uncontrollably is quite scary. However, knowing I have peace in my best friend, my Savior, my comforter, my master, my Lord, my God… It’ll be OK whatever happens. Just thought I’d share this little part of my drama.
“My father! My father! I see the chariots and charioteers of Israel!”