Zak suggested I write thoughts down about what it’s like to live in a pandemic. I don’t have many, though, because I have something really competing for my attention: a baby. And let me tell you how much the baby wins over a pandemic.
I found out I was pregnant at the very, tippy end of 2019. I took a test because I felt a little bit off and it was positive. I guess you don’t get false positives, but I was shocked because it wasn’t supposed to happen that quickly! Seriously, it wasn’t. If you haven’t heard, I’ve had some health trials in my adult years and with those trials was supposed to be the risk of infertility or at least harder to become and remain pregnant due to hormonal problems associated with autoimmune diseases. Yet – only one month after my doctor cleared me to start trying to have a baby and only 7 months after getting my thyroid removed – BOOM, there’s a positive.
Another reason why it wasn’t supposed to happen: I’m not ready. At 27 years old, I feel fresh out of high school. I’m still tired all the time. I can barely get dinners on the table for me & my husband of four years. I forget to feed my cat more than I’d like to admit and – most of all – I never wanted a kid. (The whole starting to try thing was Zak’s idea. He was so excited. Granted, I did get more warm to the idea of my own child when I met and fell completely in love/obsessed/borderline stalker with my nephew Lukas.)
So, how did this happen to me?! It wasn’t supposed to happen. And why me? Out of all people… It just didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t. Why would God let a selfish person like me in on this part of life – the whole creating life part? I don’t know. I still don’t, but over the last 9 months of growing a human what I have learned is that I’m involved in a miracle, a spiritual experience, that is so special and extraordinary, yet normal, that I would never take back, replace, change even for all the selfish wants in the world.
I still get doubts if I’m “ready” or not, but here he comes. And I feel blessed to be his mom.
I guess I started writing this as an encouragement for women who may be afraid to have a kid. I’m still afraid. If anything I am more afraid than I’ve ever been before. But that fear is so different since it’s triggered by all the good that is at stake. I fear for my baby’s health, and then I feel him kick and my fear melts. I fear for my health, but take a nap and end up okay, have doctors I see weekly making sure it’s really okay. I fear for the future, but think about how the worries of today are enough on their own and to enjoy the short (yes, short) 9 months given with a completely silent kid before the screams & tears come. I fear for my marriage, but fall into a warm hug, smile and laughter thinking about all the dumb shit we are going to do together and to this kid. I fear for energy, but wake up another day to friends asking how they can help (a truly beautiful body of Christ.)
I fear for the word “mom” because it sounds so boring, yet consuming. Somehow, when you become a mom, that seems to be all that you are. Why is that? As I’ve thought about it I get mad because I think the negative connotation subscribed to motherhood comes from our culture. “When you become a mom, your life ends… You get so boring… You lose yourself… Your career dies… You don’t get anymore ‘me time’…” All these terrible sounding futures; my individualistic American girl soul cringes at the thought. But doesn’t Jesus say to “pick up our cross daily”? Doesn’t Paul say “to live is Christ, to die is gain”? Doesn’t David sing “A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!” The theme – “die to self” couldn’t be more clear throughout God’s plan for our lives, so the visceral reaction I have to motherhood is really me letting the culture decide to take the honor and privilege and importance away from giving myself for another human. Isn’t that what Christ did for us? Should not this be a dreaded task, but a position of undeniable honor?
And let me tell you what – coming from someone who didn’t ever desire a child – thinking of the sleepless nights, the sticky hands, the smells, the frustrations, the failure to come – all those things cannot outweigh the fact that I cannot smother the truth, the feeling, the reality that the honor is ALL mine.
Lastly, I just want to go back to the “spiritual experience” point: that might sound weird because literally unfathomable amounts of women get to become mothers, so is it really that special? That’s one thing that keeps tripping me up – how is this so normal yet so profound? How is this such an extraordinary experience, yet happens many, many times a day all over the world? I don’t know. As my doctor tells me to relieve my anxiety: “You’re not special. Women give birth every minute.” Yet, I am special! Because I have another person depending on me and connected to me… Isn’t that a mind-blowing, wonder of life? It’s really taught me the beauty of life and, at the same time, the smallness. So many are born and die without ever feeling like they matter. As a soon to be mom, that breaks my heart. Is this how God feels for every soul born apart from him? If I could describe to a lonely, empty spirit the intense love felt for them before they were even born, wouldn’t that make a difference? I wish, I hope. Life is weighty. Although we’re here one day and gone tomorrow, life is a gift. Even though there are millions of us (billions), each one matters. And that’s the beautiful seeming contradiction I’ve added to the list that God loves to use: you’re not special, but you are. Why? Because I made you matter. Motherhood? It’s monotonous and boring, but sanctifying and spiritual. Why? Because God our Father gave us this experience to share creation with him. Life is full of down time and stupid, selfish thoughts, yet my thoughts have value and weight and my time can change the world. Why? Because God so loved the world that he sent his son to die for us, so that because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand – confidently & joyfully looking forward to sharing in God’s glory.
I don’t know, man, it just blows my mind. And I hope my babe can one day understand more than I ever could about his heavenly Father.
So, those are some thoughts circling through my head as I’ve been pregnant through a pandemic. Not so much the pandemic, but the pregnant part. And I’m still scared & tired so I’d appreciate prayers for safety these last 2 weeks and a safe baby.
P.S. I guess it’s worth mentioning what it’s been like to be pregnant during a pandemic. Zak can’t come to any of the appointments, but we used Facetime when we found out the gender. My mom can’t be with me in the delivery room, which is sad because (remember how I’m a 27 yo high school graduate) I want my mom now more than ever. No visitors allowed after he’s born. And, a pregnant lady probably should take more precautions than I have been (but PTL, I have been safe!) So, there’s that! Overall, with things being shut down, I feel like I’ve gotten to rest more than I would have without a pandemic on the loose. And I am fortunate enough to live in an area not overrun with Coronavirus. I live in a quiet neighborhood where walking and biking have been a godsend. And the weather for Northeast Ohio this summer has been nothing to complain about – it’s been great! Which has been a wonderful experience to remain active without fearing for my life, as some have had to do in bigger cities. We also purchased a camper this year and have been able to get away into nature, which is really fun! Who needs international travel when you can plop down next to a lake for a week?! I haven’t given up grocery shopping just yet because it’s truly a freedom I’d risk my life for. Wearing a mask on a 90 degree day with a big ol’ pregnant belly smushing your lungs isn’t the most fun, either, but does make me feel safer. Also, an excuse not to hug every person I see is kind of selfishly great for a non-touchy person like me – lolz.
It will be interesting coming home from the hospital and how to navigate visitors for our little guy’s safety. But, as with all things, God has been so very gracious. And the body of Christ, even at a distance, has been a lifesaver! I wouldn’t know where to begin without the help & prayers of others!!