Soldier’s Poem.

“Okay, let me tell you about the dinner I made on–”
“Oh my god, can I tell you what I ate for dinner? carrot sticks. carrot sticks and ham. Nobody made dinner last night…”
I didn’t think anyone could drag a conversation about carrot sticks that long… It’s almost comical listening to the buzz of conversation around the journalism room. Such smart and opinionated kids often clash in this room. Some are smart enough to drop the subject before it gets too out of hand. Most don’t. Most conversation is centered around recent new. Like today, one editor asked another who convicted Jesus to the cross? She asked right after the big bad editor claimed to know everything in church… She now struggled for the answer. She finally gave up by weaving around the question claiming her family doesn’t do the church shit… which lead to a whole different argument. Just as she wanted.
This is a classic example of how easy it is to get people to do what you want, or don’t do… However you can describe it, I do it very well. I sit here watching the editor, snipping at her every move. But why should I do that? There is no way I can say I am any better. In fact, I think I may be queen of manipulation. When needed, I can get anything from a later due date to a couple extra bucks with a few words. Of course, I do not do this so much anymore, but I used to. So, I have much experience. With words and excuses, there is no way a teacher can refuse their most behaved student. And if they think I am lying, what is there to support them? She hardly ever has late work, she does everything quietly and thoroughly in class, if she were to plan this out, it would have been from the beginning, so she could start gaining my trust… but, is her mind really that determined? No no, im just a very good liar and can be very charming at times.
I used to take actual joy in working my new-found power… until, of course, I got into more trouble than I gained.
How this came up? I dont know. I guess it is from watching people around me. All you really need to do is put on a good face, tell them what they want to hear, start a good lie and believe it. There really isn’t anything else to it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I used to do this a lot to everyone, to get money for mcdonald’s or to get a ride somewhere-whatever. Finally, I realized its wrong. These people trust me and I just take. Damn that was a dick move.

I guess that was kind of a rant.

Dude, 4 days off was soo luxurious but very busy. It’s been hard for me to jump on my chill teaching. I really don’t have much left but when I sit down I start thinking of the powerpoint, how i have to write the whole thing out, and, oh!, I still have to PRACTICE!! I just get freaked outtt! Then I pray, calm down, start up again, start hyperventalating then just take a break. Nothing gets accomplished. grr. I am super excited but am soo nervous and¬† anxious as usual. I should just trust God for this one but I feel like I ain’t doing shit….

Oh jeeeez, Im tired

Starlight.

Howdy blogosphere! Its been quite awhile since I have blogged! Lets see, what has been going on in Elli’s World…

Well firsty lirsty, lets start off with the weekend:
Friday, we got out of school early. I worked my butt off the night before to pull 4 A’s out of my ass. My parents have been all over the grades this year, so I actually tried this time. Though, I still think that you have to just get lucky in that class. But, my teacher did thank me for getting all my stories in on time… which is pretty cool. SO FRIDAY, i went home on Katlyn’s bus with doddette and Chloe. We chilled at her house for awhile then, we went to get her tattoo!! It was so cool watching! The place was interesting and the artist was hilarious. She said it didn’t even hurt.
Then, I went to Chill with the Chill kids at the Kimpton talent show. That was pretty interesting. But I have to say, I did enjoy myself. I love those kids!
AFTER THAT, I came home for like 5 minutes to find word people dispersing. I wasn’t going to go to Fast & Furious but Jordan offered to take me so I was like “what the hell…” But, that was pretty fun. I definitely fell asleep but it was still a good movie… kinda.

SATURDAY, I got home at 2 and crashed. I woke up at 10:50. Carrie came at 11. We set up the amazing race for Word. It was crazy setting up, a real brain fart on my part.That took awhile. I got home at like 3?? Then crashed again. I woke up for CT, la de da, arrived and wore my amazing aviators. ūüôā Keith’s teaching was pretty sweet. Though the whole time I had the Beatles song “Revolution” stuck in my head. At least it was a little relevant. But, I do want to be revolutionary. I think Word is doing a very sweet job at it, too.
After CT; Carrie, Lauren and I had to deal with the phone calls from the teams. Evan, Rich, Jon, Carlell… ‘s team ended up winning. We had some problems with a missing clue so that screwed up a lot of things.
So after, most of the girls slept at Anele’s. I was so tired though!! It was still fun!

SUNDAY, I walked home and did my laundry… then I had nothing else to do so I slept. No one was home so I just doodled around th rest of the day. Adi finally came home at 8 and we went out to ice cream… I got pop. Then, we watched THE fast and THE furious. I left with Asta, Anele and Adam earlier cause i was still tired. Then I was so tired, I couldn’t fall asleep.

That was the spectacular weekend of Elli. Through this time, I had a lot of thoughts floating around my head. One of which was confrontation. I was thinking a lot about confronting a friend, but after praying I decided to wait after I read the word and find out some more stuff. If I did it now, I’m afraid it will be from anger rather than love.

Another was another friend. Lets call her Sally. Well, I haven’t talked with her in over a month and its become weird between us, even when I pass her in the hall. This sounds so stupid but it totally destroyed me, well almost. I thought it would just continue like this. Our past hasn’t been too… graceful. After awhile, she got mad at me and thats when she stopped speaking. She meant a lot to me. I held he opinion and friendship very high–too high. I spent so much time thinking about her and her friends and her ways. So, when she got mad, I tried everything to ”win her back.” Until I was fed up with it. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it. If Sally doesn’t want me anymore, I won’t bother her. I still prayed and thought but more out of worry for her life.
Then, after a long while–a month–she came back in my life. She never answered my texts but, she did yesturday. I’m still unsure. Can I get myself to be nice to her? She hates me… and she broke my heart. I want to forgive her but I don’t know¬† if I will lose what my real is significance again… I don’t want to and I’m weak. I mean I want to help ‘her’ but I can’t if i go back to thinking the way I was. Yeah, so… thats that.

But, its been pretty sweet lately. I like it.

i feel like dying

Can you hear me?
Your here
Your gone.
My arms are open,
Shut tight.
Laughing
Crying,
Dying.
You look sad, but your happy.
I look happy, but I am sad.
Can you hear me?
Can I ever stop listening.
I don’t care.
Do you care?
No
Always.


SHUT
closed
empty
alone
gone
drive
far
quiet
wordless
frustration
dark
hopeless
goodbye
gone
shut.

I write, I think, I draw
I listen, I watch, I predict
I open, I look, I search
I anger, I frustrate, I freeze
I hope, I feel, I care

I try, I please, I fail

I Am Jack’s Beating Heart.

Watching the best movie ever last night, because Jeff left it at my house, it got me thinking about it. AGAIN.
everytime i watch that movie, it dazzles me. Like, how could somebody be so creative to think of that whole plot? Not even that, how is someone creative enough to think of all those crazy little details, like:

“…I am Jack’s colon.”
“I g
et cancer and kill you.”

I was trying to think of my favorite part, line, character…
My favorit
e part is definitely every part. I cannot decide. The addiction to peer groups is such a crazy and creative segment but the chemical burn is way awesome. I honestly stayed up, staring at the glowing stars on my ceiling thinking about this… it was fun.

My character? Well I love oh so much, but the clever narrator is way more captivating. But, I can say I like them both because in the end, you find out… well, i guess i wont spoil it for everyone.

Oh hear oh hear, my dear year!

Oh hear oh hear, my dear year!
For you, i have left not one tear
You have not left with such disgrace,
I just rejoice being rid of your face

You were kind and warm,
Yet that caused a storm

The want to be rid of thee
Was overruled by your silent plea,

‘Yes?’ said I
to the voice of my,

‘Do you remember me?’
said the woeful she.

‘Dear, how I cannot forget!
Your laughter is a magnet,

In your eyes, i see no demise,
Alas, I must say my goodbyes.’

She then asked what good was she.
O what she cannot see!

The warm breeze i can only dream
and the soft water make me beam!

The cool touch of night after a hot day,
Alas, it was not even the month of May.

Though she was not always so kind,
she couldnt be to cure my bind.

She brought me together,
seeing the truth alas, nether.

She let me live on my own
though i could not, i was shown.

She made me doubt,
Squirm, cry out!

But settled those pains through prayer
to a much, much higher player.

Not only once was this need be,
For my mind is proud–is me.

Thoughts remained too strained, too proud
I tried balancing on my own little cloud.

Up in the air with no one around,
I could feel as the 08 wonds knocked me down!

The princess had fallen, along with her crown.
At the time I sure indeed did frown.

But Eight brought me back,
Her promise was none to lack.

And as she left, never to be seen again,
my cold 08 heart was indeed slain.

She leaves now with peace in my book,
regretting nothing from me which she took.

For she stole a girl who was not me.
she stole a  girl as cold and fearful as she.

But what she gave was so much more.
To love is what she left for.

 

——————————————————————————————————————-

—->> weirdest thing ever written, if you dont know what it means, i will try to explain lol

Lies to Live & Die By (part 1)

“My name is Maddy,” so she says, “I watch kids for a living.” La la la lie
“I went to high school in Pennsylvania and college in Akron. I’ve traveled a lot lately but I am looking forward to staying put.
Maybe that wans’t a lie, I couldn’t tell.

“Tell me some of your strengths.” His eyes steady, honest, truthful.

“I am a very diligent worker and when I put my mind into something I am completely focused,” more like completely obsessed, at least I knew that to be true. “I also care… and am very honest…” She let her voice trail on that one.

A few hours ago I was Jenny. I woke up Jessica. Now I’m Maddy. I hardly can keep track. People see the blond hair, blue eyes and think of an angel. How long have I been running? How long have I been lying?

Waking up: one thing I am not good at. The hotel room was nice and fresh, perfect. My house will someday be so fresh and clean like this room. It was also open. The window let in a wealthy breeze that immediately calmed my body. My face relaxed and my muscles lost their usual stiff stature. I felt home.

Snapping back to the final interview, I organized my thoughts again, remembering my story. I’ve been through a couple for this particular job. The man in front of me still scribbling in his notebook. He looked up, hearing my sudden intake of breath.

“Thank you so much for considering me,” my smile took affect as his lips turned up and cheeks flushed.

“Well Miss Wilson, you seem very responsible. I think you have every reason to get this job,” he tried to sound professional again.

I said my thank yous and stood up to leave the bank. I rustled some things around in my purse, peeking through my hair at the security systems and hallways. They would never know. Two men at the desk watched me, whispering as i walked out.

My plan was simple: get the job, earn some trust, and after some time, get his box.

My heels left their hollow ecko in the lobby as I let my breath go. This job was temporary, due to two conditions: first, after the outcome of this extravaganza-whatever it may be-i will have to get far from here. And two; i cannot stay in one place for more than a month.

Ohio was always my home. The weather would never stay the same for more than one day and everything always changed, it was perfect. City folk would never consider anything big in Ohio, though they are always wrong.

New York city was too different for me. I never had a problem with big cities but New York was just too big, someone was always watching. I like privacy.

Suddenly my phone rang.

“Yes?”

“Did you get the job?” his voice breathed quietly.

“Most Likely,” I could hear him smile. “So I’ll meet you at the place.”

The phone went dead. It took about a second for two cabs to pull right in front of me. I chose the less grimy one.

I handed the driver a business card, he looked at me suspiciously but my smile softened his face. He read the card and started driving.

“So miss, you look a little flustered. Big city too much?” His Brooklyn accent was something you heard in the movies, then again, my life wasn’t much different.

“Oh no, haha. Trust me, i can handle it. But, interviews are always stressful,” I said almost too friendly. I guess I was a little flustered today. He went on to talk about how many jobs he has had, about how he doesn’t like being in one place… It doesn’t help with getting girlfriends either.

“Tell me about it,” I said almost inaudibly, we were almost there.

“What’s your name anyways?” I cringed at his improper english… Well, we all have our days.

“It’s Melissa,” I smiled in response, preparing to get out. I took a wad of cash and handed it to him. “Thank you very much…”

The air was filled with the smell of frying fish outside the open restaurant. The heated breeze carried the smell of the Atlantic filling my head. New York was only enjoyable in June.

I entered the small, but chic, square of a building, wedged between two moderately big business buildings. The market was filled with professional looking people on various laptops, black berries, or peering into a hug volume. The softness of the chatter disguised the harsh arguments under each breath, i felt as though i stuck out. I looked down at my business clothes, just to be sure.

I searched the room, surveying every face. Did he come? And there he was–of course. His shirt was a blue button down, the sleeves shoved up past his elbows with the first buttons unbuttoned. He looked so relaxed in the back compared to the rest of the people. I walked up to him, trying to make my face less anxiou.

“Hello Lacy, your looking as spectacular as always,” he said without looking up. No wonder I always change my name, Lacy was so… feminine.

Poems i spit out in journalism

NOTHING
elli morscher

Monster, Monster what have you done

Living alone, just as one

Nothing can save you from your mind

it raps you up in your cozy bind

what can i say? what can i do?

Theres nothing that can stop you

Nothing there to bare

Your feelings are hid with care

Can you say anything at all?

Theres no voice to your call

And I cant help but care

Your face is the one i wear

Saving you is the key

Saving you is saving me

_____________________________________

STAR
elli morscher

It takes time to learn what to say

Your eyes press upon me,

Put me to shame.

The same torment everyday

What else can I be?

Just put me along with your blame.

There is nothing I can do

There is nothing I can do

Nothing I can say, that can be true

That would turn your gaze and shift your mind

There are no words of this kind

Twilight Phase

With everything going on this season I have been very calm, too calm. I think it would have scared me how calm I was except for the fact that I was too calm to worry.

I am usually a very anxious and nervous person, I mean, I AM a very anxious and nervous person.

This holiday came up swiftly. Every year, the excitement fades from the childhood dreams of christmas to anxiety about not knowing who wants what. This year, I didnt even worry about that. I was just
going along on my own, being tired… until christmas hit me in the face. Then I was just gliding on my own again.

I would have said this whole not being anxious thing was very good for me… But, I was focusing on myself the whole time. I didn’t get into my word at all over break and hardly prayed. I rarely thought about God and would give him a second after I went through my day without him already.

Something had to change, so I tried to change it myself. I liked my mellow mood very much but I was at a total stand still.

After the neutral-ness became apparent, I tried to focus on getting back to growing spiritual, myself. After discipleship, I realized AGAIN i can’t do it on my own.

So I prayed about it and decided to start Galations, which I should have started when we started studying it in CT.

So, the past 2 days have been a lot better. I am able to focus on my walk and working on some of my relationships like Lauren and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me when i talk to my parents.

Just thought I’d share that because it has been pretty darn cool seeing how God can work, again… :))

tomorrow: best day ever

I have this thing where i mark the 4, 12, and 13 of every month with a big BEST DAY EVER! the 4 is the THIRD BEST DAY EVER! the 12 is the SECOND BEST DAY EVER!! and the 13 is the THE BEST DAY EVER!!! These, as you may have guessed, are my favorite numbers. I really liked even numbers as a kid. 4 was the number on my first basketball jersey, big ben’s number, and of course, its the perfect number for everything. 12 has always been my favorite number (until now.) It is my dad’s favorite number, the number of donuts i can eat (probably,) and i dont know why else… but it was my favorite for a long time. Then i came accross the number 13! I never thought of 13 being anyone’s favorite number… but i really am not superstitious at all. 13 is awkward, NOT even, and multiply it by two and it equals 26… a number i hate. But for whatever reason (with added props from it being delonte’s) i chose to have it be my favorite number. So it came to it being the best day ever of every month….

but this best day ever happens to be on a home church thursday! Not any home church, it is THE HOME CHURCH! Well, it will be the best day ever… why? glad you asked ’cause i am dying to tell….

1. home church: we have already gone over this point. i love hc! its super fun!!

2. there is this terror special on the history channel later that night that i have been waiting since monday to see. the commercials look soo interesting!! I am a fan of history and Adi definitely got me into watching the history channel.

3. Journalism: I have been trying for 2 weeks to write an NBA story and it didnt come-writer’s block-until now! i am for some reason excited to continue writing it. I would be doing so at present buuuuttttt, i didnt feel like carrying anything home.

4. i’m gunna wear my new shoes tomorrow. i get excited by these things.
ūüėÄ

5. the reason WHY it will be the BEST DAY EVER!!!: COURTNEY IS COMING TO HOME CHURCH!!!!! HOW KICK ASS IS THAT!?! I can’t wait! i was so fearful of inviting her AGAIN but when i finally did, she said she wanted to! the Lord has answered my prayers!!! SO if everyone could pray that nothing will get in the way of her coming, that would be the best thing ever!

 

Now you know why it will be the best day ever: its the 13 and courtney is coming to hc!
woo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

the suns gunna rise in a mile, in a mile you’ll be oding fine

but trust me,
i hush puppies.

Sorry, i am listening to Lupe.

<a href=”http://photobucket.com/images/lupe fiasco” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj1/burnin_hedgehog/Lupe%20Fiasco/lupe2.jpg” border=”0″ alt=”lupe fiasco Pictures, Images and Photos”></a>

So i have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I feel like i am always dissing people, which i am.. and i especially feel bad about one person. I dont exactly have many best friends. In fact, i havent had pretty tight people for awhile. I used to have like five best friends. There was Cara, Heather, Bianka, Miranda and Asta. Then there was Kelly, Bianka, Mallory, Sam¬†and Asta. Then Courtney, Sarah, Lindsay, Gina and Asta… you get the point. Well I moved, Cara stayed. same with Heather. Bianka left. Miranda moved to Singapore, came back and left. Kelly never accepted me after we didnt see eachother for a year. Bianka left… Mallory left badly. Sam left horribly. But Asta has always been there. Yeah, we have had so many rough patches but i have only focused on those. This weekend, a rush of realization came over me and i had a sense of what she is going through. I never could relate to her on this level. I always wondered why i couldnt say everything or why she was always talking. Well i figured out why and im not going to say it here. But i feel for her. And i realize that she DOES care for our relationship as much as i do. What can i say? I cant be here without her. (yes i say that right) ((and that too))

Its amazing how God works through people. Seeing as though my two best friends are completely opposite of me, its humorous actually. Asta and Lauren, man its so nice to know i will live with them forever! i just have to think of this and my whole day gets better. i dont have the feeling of school ending when i know im not going to see my new friends for awhile, or ever again. but then i think of my other good friends: adi, anele, chloe, shelly, becky, katy, brooke, brandi, Catie… all yes. But what about Jocelyn, no. Courtney? no. Kenni? no! Im not going to live with them forever. I think this is my main focus for outreach, it really gets me going. Courtney is one of my best friends. Knowing she is not a christian, i die everytime i think about it. It just ruins my whole day. I would love for people to pray for her if they read this. She is realizing that living for soccer and school is pointless so i hope to talk to her on that issue. God, i love her so much and i just wish i could make her a christian sometimes, but that is ridiculous. I want to see er happy like we are. So i hope she comes to homechurch!

please Lord i pray that she does!

 

 

you want the real shit, well i got ya