Perfecting Angst.

“I just want to live my life!”
The phrase radiates from out of every kid I pass in the hall. Their eyes scream it. Whether it is partying every weekend or getting into a top college, all of them want to go live.
Well yeah. I know. Every one story is the same.
From my place right now, it all looks ridiculous. Such a waste of time. How can someone want to be like Paris Hilton? Or how do they think they can survive past 20 when they smoke pot every day. They are already retarded, its hard to believe they can kill anymore brain cells. They don’t need it.

Everyday, I listen to a girls story in first period, developing all different responses I could say to her. She has a boyfriend that can’t go a day without getting high. Her mom is pregnant and she herself was an accident. She is going to move in with her boyfriend soon behind her mom’s back. She hates her mom but, from what i’ve heard, her mom really seems to love her and doesn’t want to lose her.
My first response was that she had a bad childhood. Which may be true. My new theory is that she just wants to grow up. Now.
Just like everyone in high school.

type in teen angst in google and thats what you get on the 2nd page
type in teen angst in google and thats what you get on the 2nd page

They wear heels and stick their noses up, thinking they are way more mature than this high school drama.
Truth is, they THRIVE off of it.
Those shoes are ugly doesn’t get any better either. When they finally graduate and are supposedly mature, the shoes turn into careers, schools or partners.

We look up to adults today, they are descent enough. Though, of course, many adults even now are not fit to be role models. But, my point is that they are descent enough to a point where we find them unfit. Unfit meaning 1. “Parents don’t know shit” they actually are oblivious or 2. “They won’t do anything i ask!” parents give them everything they want… In my opinion, both of these are ‘unfit’… thats not a good word… It isn’t all the parents fault, the kids these days are SUPER manipulative. Do anything to get their way.

So the point of that paragraph was to lead to this: With parents doing everything “we” want, HOW are WE going to SURVIVE?

We get everything given to us. Even fucking jobs. It is insane. There are kids who totally support themselves but MOST of us, fewww, this is why I don’t want to think about it. Plus, with this whole recession, I am kind of glad. I hope the whole world blows up so its just kaos everywhere.. but then I dont. If it comes to crazy, I could become a Rorschache or something. That would be bad ass. But, what am I saying, I’m a princess on a huge pillow, far away from the grime and spit of earth…
And that is another thing. I don’t WANT to act like this or be spoiled this way (well, i do but I don’t want to be known as the you know ignorant american.) I would love to go DO something. Go to africa like martha or dye my hair brown then go face a war in India. Save some kids in a different way than the world sees it. I’m stuck here. Yeah it is for the better, I know. I am growing so much spiritually and learning a lot but if there is any way or any chance of going on the missions field in any of God’s plans, I will take it willingly! I’m sure it would be SUCH a life changing experience with TONS of relying on the Lord, and that right there sounds so much better than any plump pink pillow I may be sitting on.
Because if i jump off, I KNOW God will catch me.

Just something to think about.

“Elevated Thoughts…”

“the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts”
…Poetry.

MEMORIES
Memories can be
Worst enemies.
After decades of trying
To Forget,
A memory can ruin
All progress.
The thought of one time, place-
Smile-
With that one person in it could
Destroy your mind.
Rip it out from the inside,
Never to think
Again.
And for me, I remember
So often.
Countless times the eyes find me-
In one day.
Hour.
Second.
Killing my brain over and over
Again, again.
Oh! and to see them alive
And smiling.
Without me.
My entire being swept away,
Everyday.
Yet I wait to see you-
Daily-
Because i know my heart
Will react,
Proving I am alive and
Never forgetting.

(That’s not about what you think it is about.)

“…banished. There is no end, no limit, measure, bound, in that word’s death. No words can woe that sound.”
William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

SPRING BREAK 09′
It has come and gone
I’m left in my cold lawn
Waiting for the trip to sink in
Waiting for my saddness to dim
But nothing happened, unchanged
My disposition wary, heart caged
Was it the heartbreak still leaving regret?
Or was it my mind that had not let.
Whatever it is, it hides the past joy.
For the week past, my eyes stared at waves playing coy.
The hours spent with happuness to shed,
should not be filled with this sense of dread.
I swear I saw the sun, I do.
And the stale hint of smoke makes my hair’s shampoo.
But an underlying reality tells me it is gone.
I’m left trying to bring forth that last dawn.
My head is left to strain.
My heart in such deep pain.
The smiles so far away in my mind.
The laughter so dim and hard to find.
Yet, in the melancholy darkness of my being
One memory is left unfleeting.
The broken shards bring back a hurt:
I have been finally pulled apart and left in the dirt.
Over the week, I suffered a loss.
A friendship so close that flew over her shoulder like a toss.
Yet, I remember, as I lay
Another lifted me up to lighten my day.
And with that smile, of old times kindleing,
The weariness in my heart shrank, dwindling.
But with the rest of my memory thin & gray
I look back with sorrow upon that day
The people, yes, I am most thankful for.
The people who will wait at my door.
But in that mass I am but one.
And through my cries of help, it is silence that won.
Pain stings my unhealing wounds once, twice
But my hurt is as quiet as mice.
The other blades of grass sway noisily around
If they have a problem, I am to be found!
My ears have heard much to my dismay
My tongue is heavier with each new day.
With everyone who trusts me, I should know better.
Disgrace fills me with each new letter.
With the past week, I cannot help but sulk.
And for now I put on a mask with my sadness an evident bulk.
I hid last week from my friends.
I hid last week buut it has no ends.
I hide for my future-to remain
I hide so my heart will not take over-forcefully sane.
So now I know why my skin remains pale
I hid from the sun, it took life to fail.
And so I learned I am obnoxiously loud-
But unreasonably quiet.
My heart too still to admit I am proud
And my wounds let out no blood, which at least holds me a diet.

Oh my utterly absurd heartm how can I think my life such a riot?
I am at least smart enough to hear my thoughts pathetic.

ELECTRICITY
You are the fire
That shines out the spark.
Long after blades meet,
Your still warming my heart.
Dowsed with water,
Ice, waves…
The sharp speer is still warm.
The touch never ends.
Every rub of metal strengthens.
The warmth never fades.
The warmth that was once a flame,
Shall put my heart to shame.

POETRY
Melody rips away at my flesh
As I squeeze my eyes shut
Oh why, oh why?!?!
My cry is nothing to the music
Glaring, teaming, thriving at it
Won’t it end?!?
The bittersweet song
Spinning circles in my head
You never let up, never let down
Yet I sit here
Hiding my own terrible sound
My sweetest shriek
I must stay silent
Only then will my words stay in
Our hearts meet
My hearts too weak.

3/30/09
“The answer is simple: behind each word is a deeper meaning. I am able to hide…I cringe in disgust. My words dhould be burned rather than read and torn to pieces rather than taken pity.”

Soldier’s Poem.

“Okay, let me tell you about the dinner I made on–”
“Oh my god, can I tell you what I ate for dinner? carrot sticks. carrot sticks and ham. Nobody made dinner last night…”
I didn’t think anyone could drag a conversation about carrot sticks that long… It’s almost comical listening to the buzz of conversation around the journalism room. Such smart and opinionated kids often clash in this room. Some are smart enough to drop the subject before it gets too out of hand. Most don’t. Most conversation is centered around recent new. Like today, one editor asked another who convicted Jesus to the cross? She asked right after the big bad editor claimed to know everything in church… She now struggled for the answer. She finally gave up by weaving around the question claiming her family doesn’t do the church shit… which lead to a whole different argument. Just as she wanted.
This is a classic example of how easy it is to get people to do what you want, or don’t do… However you can describe it, I do it very well. I sit here watching the editor, snipping at her every move. But why should I do that? There is no way I can say I am any better. In fact, I think I may be queen of manipulation. When needed, I can get anything from a later due date to a couple extra bucks with a few words. Of course, I do not do this so much anymore, but I used to. So, I have much experience. With words and excuses, there is no way a teacher can refuse their most behaved student. And if they think I am lying, what is there to support them? She hardly ever has late work, she does everything quietly and thoroughly in class, if she were to plan this out, it would have been from the beginning, so she could start gaining my trust… but, is her mind really that determined? No no, im just a very good liar and can be very charming at times.
I used to take actual joy in working my new-found power… until, of course, I got into more trouble than I gained.
How this came up? I dont know. I guess it is from watching people around me. All you really need to do is put on a good face, tell them what they want to hear, start a good lie and believe it. There really isn’t anything else to it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I used to do this a lot to everyone, to get money for mcdonald’s or to get a ride somewhere-whatever. Finally, I realized its wrong. These people trust me and I just take. Damn that was a dick move.

I guess that was kind of a rant.

Dude, 4 days off was soo luxurious but very busy. It’s been hard for me to jump on my chill teaching. I really don’t have much left but when I sit down I start thinking of the powerpoint, how i have to write the whole thing out, and, oh!, I still have to PRACTICE!! I just get freaked outtt! Then I pray, calm down, start up again, start hyperventalating then just take a break. Nothing gets accomplished. grr. I am super excited but am soo nervous and¬† anxious as usual. I should just trust God for this one but I feel like I ain’t doing shit….

Oh jeeeez, Im tired

Starlight.

Howdy blogosphere! Its been quite awhile since I have blogged! Lets see, what has been going on in Elli’s World…

Well firsty lirsty, lets start off with the weekend:
Friday, we got out of school early. I worked my butt off the night before to pull 4 A’s out of my ass. My parents have been all over the grades this year, so I actually tried this time. Though, I still think that you have to just get lucky in that class. But, my teacher did thank me for getting all my stories in on time… which is pretty cool. SO FRIDAY, i went home on Katlyn’s bus with doddette and Chloe. We chilled at her house for awhile then, we went to get her tattoo!! It was so cool watching! The place was interesting and the artist was hilarious. She said it didn’t even hurt.
Then, I went to Chill with the Chill kids at the Kimpton talent show. That was pretty interesting. But I have to say, I did enjoy myself. I love those kids!
AFTER THAT, I came home for like 5 minutes to find word people dispersing. I wasn’t going to go to Fast & Furious but Jordan offered to take me so I was like “what the hell…” But, that was pretty fun. I definitely fell asleep but it was still a good movie… kinda.

SATURDAY, I got home at 2 and crashed. I woke up at 10:50. Carrie came at 11. We set up the amazing race for Word. It was crazy setting up, a real brain fart on my part.That took awhile. I got home at like 3?? Then crashed again. I woke up for CT, la de da, arrived and wore my amazing aviators. ūüôā Keith’s teaching was pretty sweet. Though the whole time I had the Beatles song “Revolution” stuck in my head. At least it was a little relevant. But, I do want to be revolutionary. I think Word is doing a very sweet job at it, too.
After CT; Carrie, Lauren and I had to deal with the phone calls from the teams. Evan, Rich, Jon, Carlell… ‘s team ended up winning. We had some problems with a missing clue so that screwed up a lot of things.
So after, most of the girls slept at Anele’s. I was so tired though!! It was still fun!

SUNDAY, I walked home and did my laundry… then I had nothing else to do so I slept. No one was home so I just doodled around th rest of the day. Adi finally came home at 8 and we went out to ice cream… I got pop. Then, we watched THE fast and THE furious. I left with Asta, Anele and Adam earlier cause i was still tired. Then I was so tired, I couldn’t fall asleep.

That was the spectacular weekend of Elli. Through this time, I had a lot of thoughts floating around my head. One of which was confrontation. I was thinking a lot about confronting a friend, but after praying I decided to wait after I read the word and find out some more stuff. If I did it now, I’m afraid it will be from anger rather than love.

Another was another friend. Lets call her Sally. Well, I haven’t talked with her in over a month and its become weird between us, even when I pass her in the hall. This sounds so stupid but it totally destroyed me, well almost. I thought it would just continue like this. Our past hasn’t been too… graceful. After awhile, she got mad at me and thats when she stopped speaking. She meant a lot to me. I held he opinion and friendship very high–too high. I spent so much time thinking about her and her friends and her ways. So, when she got mad, I tried everything to ”win her back.” Until I was fed up with it. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it. If Sally doesn’t want me anymore, I won’t bother her. I still prayed and thought but more out of worry for her life.
Then, after a long while–a month–she came back in my life. She never answered my texts but, she did yesturday. I’m still unsure. Can I get myself to be nice to her? She hates me… and she broke my heart. I want to forgive her but I don’t know¬† if I will lose what my real is significance again… I don’t want to and I’m weak. I mean I want to help ‘her’ but I can’t if i go back to thinking the way I was. Yeah, so… thats that.

But, its been pretty sweet lately. I like it.

i feel like dying

Can you hear me?
Your here
Your gone.
My arms are open,
Shut tight.
Laughing
Crying,
Dying.
You look sad, but your happy.
I look happy, but I am sad.
Can you hear me?
Can I ever stop listening.
I don’t care.
Do you care?
No
Always.


SHUT
closed
empty
alone
gone
drive
far
quiet
wordless
frustration
dark
hopeless
goodbye
gone
shut.

I write, I think, I draw
I listen, I watch, I predict
I open, I look, I search
I anger, I frustrate, I freeze
I hope, I feel, I care

I try, I please, I fail

I Am Jack’s Beating Heart.

Watching the best movie ever last night, because Jeff left it at my house, it got me thinking about it. AGAIN.
everytime i watch that movie, it dazzles me. Like, how could somebody be so creative to think of that whole plot? Not even that, how is someone creative enough to think of all those crazy little details, like:

“…I am Jack’s colon.”
“I g
et cancer and kill you.”

I was trying to think of my favorite part, line, character…
My favorit
e part is definitely every part. I cannot decide. The addiction to peer groups is such a crazy and creative segment but the chemical burn is way awesome. I honestly stayed up, staring at the glowing stars on my ceiling thinking about this… it was fun.

My character? Well I love oh so much, but the clever narrator is way more captivating. But, I can say I like them both because in the end, you find out… well, i guess i wont spoil it for everyone.

Oh hear oh hear, my dear year!

Oh hear oh hear, my dear year!
For you, i have left not one tear
You have not left with such disgrace,
I just rejoice being rid of your face

You were kind and warm,
Yet that caused a storm

The want to be rid of thee
Was overruled by your silent plea,

‘Yes?’ said I
to the voice of my,

‘Do you remember me?’
said the woeful she.

‘Dear, how I cannot forget!
Your laughter is a magnet,

In your eyes, i see no demise,
Alas, I must say my goodbyes.’

She then asked what good was she.
O what she cannot see!

The warm breeze i can only dream
and the soft water make me beam!

The cool touch of night after a hot day,
Alas, it was not even the month of May.

Though she was not always so kind,
she couldnt be to cure my bind.

She brought me together,
seeing the truth alas, nether.

She let me live on my own
though i could not, i was shown.

She made me doubt,
Squirm, cry out!

But settled those pains through prayer
to a much, much higher player.

Not only once was this need be,
For my mind is proud–is me.

Thoughts remained too strained, too proud
I tried balancing on my own little cloud.

Up in the air with no one around,
I could feel as the 08 wonds knocked me down!

The princess had fallen, along with her crown.
At the time I sure indeed did frown.

But Eight brought me back,
Her promise was none to lack.

And as she left, never to be seen again,
my cold 08 heart was indeed slain.

She leaves now with peace in my book,
regretting nothing from me which she took.

For she stole a girl who was not me.
she stole a  girl as cold and fearful as she.

But what she gave was so much more.
To love is what she left for.

 

——————————————————————————————————————-

—->> weirdest thing ever written, if you dont know what it means, i will try to explain lol

Lies to Live & Die By (part 1)

“My name is Maddy,” so she says, “I watch kids for a living.” La la la lie
“I went to high school in Pennsylvania and college in Akron. I’ve traveled a lot lately but I am looking forward to staying put.
Maybe that wans’t a lie, I couldn’t tell.

“Tell me some of your strengths.” His eyes steady, honest, truthful.

“I am a very diligent worker and when I put my mind into something I am completely focused,” more like completely obsessed, at least I knew that to be true. “I also care… and am very honest…” She let her voice trail on that one.

A few hours ago I was Jenny. I woke up Jessica. Now I’m Maddy. I hardly can keep track. People see the blond hair, blue eyes and think of an angel. How long have I been running? How long have I been lying?

Waking up: one thing I am not good at. The hotel room was nice and fresh, perfect. My house will someday be so fresh and clean like this room. It was also open. The window let in a wealthy breeze that immediately calmed my body. My face relaxed and my muscles lost their usual stiff stature. I felt home.

Snapping back to the final interview, I organized my thoughts again, remembering my story. I’ve been through a couple for this particular job. The man in front of me still scribbling in his notebook. He looked up, hearing my sudden intake of breath.

“Thank you so much for considering me,” my smile took affect as his lips turned up and cheeks flushed.

“Well Miss Wilson, you seem very responsible. I think you have every reason to get this job,” he tried to sound professional again.

I said my thank yous and stood up to leave the bank. I rustled some things around in my purse, peeking through my hair at the security systems and hallways. They would never know. Two men at the desk watched me, whispering as i walked out.

My plan was simple: get the job, earn some trust, and after some time, get his box.

My heels left their hollow ecko in the lobby as I let my breath go. This job was temporary, due to two conditions: first, after the outcome of this extravaganza-whatever it may be-i will have to get far from here. And two; i cannot stay in one place for more than a month.

Ohio was always my home. The weather would never stay the same for more than one day and everything always changed, it was perfect. City folk would never consider anything big in Ohio, though they are always wrong.

New York city was too different for me. I never had a problem with big cities but New York was just too big, someone was always watching. I like privacy.

Suddenly my phone rang.

“Yes?”

“Did you get the job?” his voice breathed quietly.

“Most Likely,” I could hear him smile. “So I’ll meet you at the place.”

The phone went dead. It took about a second for two cabs to pull right in front of me. I chose the less grimy one.

I handed the driver a business card, he looked at me suspiciously but my smile softened his face. He read the card and started driving.

“So miss, you look a little flustered. Big city too much?” His Brooklyn accent was something you heard in the movies, then again, my life wasn’t much different.

“Oh no, haha. Trust me, i can handle it. But, interviews are always stressful,” I said almost too friendly. I guess I was a little flustered today. He went on to talk about how many jobs he has had, about how he doesn’t like being in one place… It doesn’t help with getting girlfriends either.

“Tell me about it,” I said almost inaudibly, we were almost there.

“What’s your name anyways?” I cringed at his improper english… Well, we all have our days.

“It’s Melissa,” I smiled in response, preparing to get out. I took a wad of cash and handed it to him. “Thank you very much…”

The air was filled with the smell of frying fish outside the open restaurant. The heated breeze carried the smell of the Atlantic filling my head. New York was only enjoyable in June.

I entered the small, but chic, square of a building, wedged between two moderately big business buildings. The market was filled with professional looking people on various laptops, black berries, or peering into a hug volume. The softness of the chatter disguised the harsh arguments under each breath, i felt as though i stuck out. I looked down at my business clothes, just to be sure.

I searched the room, surveying every face. Did he come? And there he was–of course. His shirt was a blue button down, the sleeves shoved up past his elbows with the first buttons unbuttoned. He looked so relaxed in the back compared to the rest of the people. I walked up to him, trying to make my face less anxiou.

“Hello Lacy, your looking as spectacular as always,” he said without looking up. No wonder I always change my name, Lacy was so… feminine.

Poems i spit out in journalism

NOTHING
elli morscher

Monster, Monster what have you done

Living alone, just as one

Nothing can save you from your mind

it raps you up in your cozy bind

what can i say? what can i do?

Theres nothing that can stop you

Nothing there to bare

Your feelings are hid with care

Can you say anything at all?

Theres no voice to your call

And I cant help but care

Your face is the one i wear

Saving you is the key

Saving you is saving me

_____________________________________

STAR
elli morscher

It takes time to learn what to say

Your eyes press upon me,

Put me to shame.

The same torment everyday

What else can I be?

Just put me along with your blame.

There is nothing I can do

There is nothing I can do

Nothing I can say, that can be true

That would turn your gaze and shift your mind

There are no words of this kind

Twilight Phase

With everything going on this season I have been very calm, too calm. I think it would have scared me how calm I was except for the fact that I was too calm to worry.

I am usually a very anxious and nervous person, I mean, I AM a very anxious and nervous person.

This holiday came up swiftly. Every year, the excitement fades from the childhood dreams of christmas to anxiety about not knowing who wants what. This year, I didnt even worry about that. I was just
going along on my own, being tired… until christmas hit me in the face. Then I was just gliding on my own again.

I would have said this whole not being anxious thing was very good for me… But, I was focusing on myself the whole time. I didn’t get into my word at all over break and hardly prayed. I rarely thought about God and would give him a second after I went through my day without him already.

Something had to change, so I tried to change it myself. I liked my mellow mood very much but I was at a total stand still.

After the neutral-ness became apparent, I tried to focus on getting back to growing spiritual, myself. After discipleship, I realized AGAIN i can’t do it on my own.

So I prayed about it and decided to start Galations, which I should have started when we started studying it in CT.

So, the past 2 days have been a lot better. I am able to focus on my walk and working on some of my relationships like Lauren and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me when i talk to my parents.

Just thought I’d share that because it has been pretty darn cool seeing how God can work, again… :))